My Recent Status Updates: Part Two

So I posted some of my recent status updates a while back and thought it was about time for round two.. These are the ones that made the cut.. Enjoy.

If you’re an astronaut, and you don’t end a relationship with “look, I just need space..” then your wasting everyone's time.

Cinderella is proof that losing a shoe can change your life.

I just broke my record for most days lived.

I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data..

I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-a longs.

It's because I failed another Cosmo quiz, isn't it?

We all have our bridges. We are either crossing them, burning them or jumping off of them.

Today is one of those "everyone looks like a pinata" days and I'm holding a stick.

I pray for you because I don't know how to do an exorcism.

It's a challenge fitting all my spy equipment in my purse.

I challenge you to fill an ice bucket with bottles of wine and give it to me and leave.

If you are on a roll, you're probably not headed uphill.

I'm just going to put an "out of order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

I was going to take over the world but then I saw something shiny.

If I survive the today I would like my straight jacket to be orange and a bejeweled helmet.

I automatically start swinging my feet like a little kid when sitting in a chair that is too tall for me.

I am learning what my superpowers are not, one mishap at a time.

*Follows dreams*
*Gets lost*

Why fall in love when you can fall into a volcano?

Sometimes when I open or close the door I like to make star trek noises..

Can you believe that people actually dueled? LOL men...

I'll take medically induced coma for 2000, Alex.

How many exes can we fit into one room? 
*Theme of the poolhall during a tournament

I was okay being an independent single woman until I was asked for my emergency contact info. & in a panic the only thing that came to mind was 867-5309, that didn't work though because I didn't take into account that when that song came out you only had to dial 7 numbers.

More people would use gambling hotlines if every 10th caller was a winner.. Just saying..

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

My biggest fear is waving back at someone who was waving at someone else.

Maybe serial killers are just normal people on a no carb diet.

Sometimes I feel like some of you don't even want me to be your future ex-wife.

If you want to hide something from me, put it on my voicemail.

If we are in a situation where I am the "voice of reason" we are in trouble.

Any war can be a cold war when one country sends a lengthy, thoughtful doctrine & the other country replies "k"

"Now watch me whip" No "Watch me nae nae" Absolutely not..

Sometimes I can't tell if Chandler is a lot like me or if I am a lot like a 9 year old.

Sometimes I just want to go where all the missing socks go.

Using my phone after I get the low battery warning is as close as I will ever come to disarming a bomb.

Once in a while, someone amazing comes along... And here I am..

I would feel a lot safer if the drive-thru ATM's with Braille were located on the passengers side.

In a previous life I was that bird that kept flying into windows..