I have been a writer since I was a little. I loved crayons, pens, pencils, paint, and markers. Back then we didn't have "washable" markers, but the regular ole Crayola markers got the job done. I had a sixth sense for knowing any time the permanent markers were left out, and even though I knew I wasn't supposed to use them, it was like I completely lost all self-control was forced to make my mark on something! Usually, I would write on a wall or in a book, sometimes even the bedroom or bathroom door.

My parents finally decided it was hopeless to try to paint over or replace whatever I had written on and I would usually get off with a warning or stern talking to. But now and then I liked to push the limits, like the time I colored this beautiful five story, white with blue trim, doll house my dad made for me with a red magic marker because it was Christmas time and my babies needed their house decorated for the holidays. That story ended with my dad repainting the doll house and giving it away to my cousin; he even made me ride with him to deliver it! I don't have proof of the baby or most of my other masterpieces, but I do have pictures of some of my other handy work.
My parents finally decided it was hopeless to try to paint over or replace whatever I had written on and I would usually get off with a warning or stern talking to. But every now and then I liked to really push the limits, like the time I colored this beautiful 5 story, white with blue trim, doll house my dad made for me with a red magic marker because it was Christmas time and my dolls needed their house decorated for the holidays. That story ended with my dad repainting the doll house and giving it away to my cousin, he even made me ride with him to deliver it! I don't have proof of the doll or most of my other masterpieces but I do have pictures of some of my other handy work.

​A galaxy of rainbows dance on the ceiling
Loss and heartache no longer appealing

Glance in the mirror, a strangers reflection
Another will never feel my affection

My heart sings a symphony of broken dreams
I'm losing my mind, or so it seems

A freight train crashes into my chest 
In slow motion, the sunrise rewinds from the west

My wrecked soul wanders, and my brave heart breaks
I keep moving forward, but I've made some mistakes

An untamed force awakened my soul
What was once broken, now mended whole

Render the binding free to unravel
Lighting a passage the soul can travel

Recently I learned a new word; I didn't know exactly what it meant so I looked it up. I quickly realized that while the term wasn't familiar to me, the definition was. I have had many failed relationships, some of them were good and positive experiences, and others were not so good and ended badly. For the most part, though I walked away from almost all of them have learned something about myself, and I'm better off for it. Many of those relationships failed, but they were not failures. I came out of them a better version of myself armed with more tools in my toolbox and more prepared for the type of relationship I have now. Honestly, it wasn't until my last two relationships that I even realized how previous bad ones were. The last couple of years has been hard work trying to break down the walls I built during one awful relationship. This new word I learned perfectly defines that toxic relationship.

gaslighting: to cause (a person) to doubt his or her sanity through the use of psychological manipulation.

The whole intention of gaslighting is to decrease someone's self-esteem and self-confidence, so they are unable to function independently. The person gaslighted will eventually become so insecure that they will fail to trust their judgment, their intuition and find themselves unable to make decisions. They will use tactics such as: discrediting you by making other people think you are crazy/irrational/unstable, use confidence and assertiveness to make you doubt yourself. They will refuse to acknowledge your feelings and thoughts by calling you a liar or deny having said something that they did in fact say, and if that doesn't do the trick, they will retreat into victim mode to try and get you to apologize even though you've done nothing wrong.

My experience with this started out slowly. I saw red flags, but I couldn't pinpoint the problem and when I eventually did it was challenging to get away from the situation because I felt broken and beat down both mentally and emotionally. By the end of the relationship, I felt like a much weaker version of myself. I felt isolated, hopeless and completely misunderstood. I thought I had lost a part of me that I would never get back and I was angry that I had allowed someone that much control over my thoughts and feelings. Looking back I wish I had ended things long before I did; the signs were there I just wasn't paying close enough attention. 

I admit, 2016 was probably the worst year of my life. Losing my mom in August made it by far the hardest, most emotional and presented me with the greatest obstacles to overcome (some of which I haven't yet conquered).  I feel like while my last year was not quite the epic failure the  Ohio State or Mariah Carey performance was, it was close.  I won't miss you 2016!!!

I think the best way to honor the new year is to focus on the people in my life I am forever thankful for!

• My son Chandler who has me convinced that together we could survive a zombie apocalypse. 
• My niece Kortney and how she always picks me to be on her team for movie charades!  I don't contribute much, I never know the answers but we always win because she always gets them right!
• My Addie (my ex-husbands wife and my son's step-mom)  for always treating Chandler as if he were her own but at the same time never  stepping on my toes.  She makes it easy for all of us to perform as one big happy family.  Not to mention I am so thankful that she  gave Chandler a little brother who has brightened all of our lives!
• My brother-in-law Gary and  his strength to keep living after losing my sister, for  putting himself out there and having the courage to fall in love again. Because of him,  we get to add his fiance Monica and her son Odin to our family. 
• My Aunt Janice for  calling  to check on me and  remind  me that she is  there,  whenever  I might need her.
• My  nephew Corbin because he is so quick witted and always has something random to say, like telling me he is  "Made of solid steal forged from Zeus' lightning bolt" 
• My cousin Sarah  for somehow always knowing when I need a text that just says "I love you and I'm thinking about you" and because the  positive impact she has on everyone she comes in contact with is powerful beyond belief and  as if that isn't a big enough contribution to the world, she some how managed to pass along those same qualities to her children who warm my heart everytime I think about them.
• My brother Larry who calls me just to say hello, reminds me that he once coached me  to victory in a drag race and never lets me forget how awesome I am.
• My niece Kennady who my sister always claimed was my mini-me but the older she gets the more I question it because she is so much smarter, tougher and independent than ever was at her age.  I admire her tenacious attitude, how comfortable she is in her own skin and how driven she is when she puts her mind  to something. 
• My boyfriend Andrew, who puts up with more of my ridiculousness than any one person should and does it with patience, understanding and a really great sense of humor. Who could possibly ask for more than a relationship based on open communication, honesty and love. 
• My dad. I have always secretly believed that he is a superhero and I just haven't seen his cape yet but after this last year it is a known fact that he is definitely a superhero because no ordinary man could sustain the  pain of losing their wife of 49 years with the strength and grace that he has.  Everyday he reminds me that we are going to be ok and that we will get through this, that my mom would want us to live our lives  to the fullest and that we owe it to her to try and do just that. He has taught me that courage isn't fighting back the tears, courage is letting the tears fall and accepting that a great loss has caused great pain and  in those  moments of vulnerability we are reminded of how lucky we are to have had someone we were able to care so deeply for.

I really think it is going to be a great year!