Say yes, or say no?
1 in a million series - Post 20
In the past, I was terrible at saying "no." I grew up with the mindset that if someone asks you to do something you can do, you do it. A couple of years ago, my dear friend Rachel taught me a new mindset that went something like, "if you can't do it with joy in your heart, you shouldn't do it at all." I adopted this philosophy in most aspects of my life, except for at work. Even to this day, I struggle when it comes to saying no.
So let's talk about what happens when you say "yes" and commit to more than you can juggle.
Arm yourself against misinformation
There is so much mistrust right now in the world. Whether it is misinformation on social media, mainstream media pushing their agenda, word of mouth from friends or acquaintances, it is hard to know what to believe and what to support. Ultimately, it has a significant impact on our decisions.
I think we are all made up of our individual life experiences. That gives us each a unique set of common sense. It's also the reason for disagreements, differences of opinion, and misunderstanding. I am guilty of holding onto my beliefs or opinions without thinking them through or questioning myself why I believed or thought them in the first place.
We know that there is a lot of wrong information that keeps getting shared on social media or in conversations. Don't fall victim to it! There's a game that I played, and it taught me how to spot fake news. If you want to give it a try, visit https://www.goviralgame.com/
Why I got the Vaccine
Well. I got the vaccine because I'm too old to have another child. And I like the odds of a nano-chip in me now with direct access to my own special secret government buddy. It gets lonely from time to time. It would be nice to know that someone is listening, but if my DNA changes, I hope it happens the same way it did on Jurassic Park, and I end up a Velociraptor.
All jokes aside, I did get vaccinated as soon as I was able. I weighed the pros and cons, pulled public data from the VAERS website, and used good ole Excel to build me some nice pivot tables, and I talked to my doctor. I'm no scientist, but I did my very best to gain enough knowledge to make an informed decision. I get that it is scary. These are scary times.
I have lost too many people close to me, and I don't want to lose anyone else. I don't think I could live with myself if I gave someone COVID and they ended up dying. I received all my vaccines as a child, and I somewhat credit that to the fact that I live in a first-world country where freedom and privilege give me the right to get a vaccine in the first place. When it came down to it, the risk/reward ratio made it an easy choice.
I don't write this to change anyone's mind or guilt or shame anyone. I am simply sharing my point of view, and maybe I will make a few people laugh at my ridiculousness with the way I started this post. Either way, thanks for being here. I hope you come back again tomorrow.
P.S. If anyone wants to see my Excel data charts, send me your email address, and I'm happy to share.
My Contest Speech
Throughout history miscommunication has led to some terrifying consequences. It’s caused planes to crash, ships to sink, and on more than one occasion, it put us on the brink of war. There’s no telling how many divorces its responsible for but it sure played a part in my divorce. I never thought I would get married again but turns out I was wrong, a few years ago Andrew and I tied the knot and we are killing it! You know that one question that every couple gets asked at least a dozen times, the awe where did you two meet? Most of my husbands generation would be too embarrassed to admit they met online so they say they met at a bar, and they would consider that the safer choice. Well, my husband Andrew and I met at a karaoke bar but that doesn’t make for a great story, so instead, we tell people we met at farmersonly.com. a reasonable option for my generation. It is ironic though because neither of us can keep an artificial plant alive, much less farm.
Now that I’ve let you in on the little secret that we are high class karaoke farmers you may be wondering what that has to do with communication so let me tell you. Farming goes hand in hand with country music. Stay with me now. The entire first year that Andrew and I were together we listened to country music in the car. Not because either of us liked country music but when I would say “babe, you can change the station he replied, nah, this is alright.” Until one day, I reached my breaking point and using my best mom voice announced “I can’t take it, we are changing the station” Andrew looked at me and said, “it's about time” It was at that moment, his life began to flash before my eyes. Some might consider this bad communication.
Now, we’ve all had good conversations. We know what that feels like. When you walk away feeling engaged and understood. That wasn’t Andrew and I, for us, it was an uphill battle.
Early in our relationship I found this article titled "The 36 questions to fall in love”. It claimed to accelerate the kind of personal closeness that usually takes much longer to create. I was optimistic until we got to question number 11, which read: Take 4 minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible. Andrew went first. When the 4 minutes were up, I was so interested in what he said that I suggested he continue. 2 hours later, he was still talking, and I was trying to figure out a polite way to exit the conversation and his living room. I wasn't sure if he was ever going to wrap it up. I kept wondering, how many lives has this man lived? Is he a cat? Let’s face it, no one cares about the date or what day of the week something happened on or what song was playing on the radio or what color shirt you were wearing. It’s conversationally exhausting and boring. Moral of the story, be brief.
For a while I thought Andrew set out to be my future ex-husband.
If I summed up every fight we’ve ever had, it would read "failure to communicate". Our happily ever after didn’t begin until we learned how to have better conversations. Let me just say that when it comes to learning to communicate effectively, not all advice is good advice. For example, mirroring where you repeat back what you heard the other person say, or maybe you’ve heard that you should nod your head and say uh huh to show you are engaged. You can go ahead and just forget all that, because its crap. There is no reason to learn how to show you are paying attention if you are in fact paying attention.
After we got married, you would think that our communication would naturally improve, but we still had our struggles. Some people think it's so cute when newlyweds finish each other's sentences, but I assure you that my husband didn't think it was cute. I tried to finish his sentences ALL THE TIME, and he had the nerve to think I was just interrupting him. Hypothetically speaking, If I were interrupting him, it would only be because I had a better ending to his sentence and simply wanted the best for him.
Once I stopped interrupting and started listening, the most amazing thing happened. I figured out that he is a really interesting guy!
I'll admit, I married up, way out of my league. Communication hasn't always been our strong suit, but we learned to make up for it in other ways. For example, we have mastered the bedroom. At the end of the day, when we find ourselves lying in bed and the mood is just right, that's when the magic happens. The laughing, that is. We spend so much time in bed, laughing.
Before Andrew came along, I was like the Michael Jordan of relationships, just when he played baseball, not basketball. Relationships are hard work. We can all strive to reach the professional level but let's face it. There is only one Michael Jordan. He is arguably the best basketball player of all time, but he didn't win games by himself. It takes a team to win. There's no "I" in team, but there are two "I's" in communication.
Make it a partnership. Remember to be brief, and listen without interrupting and most importantly, remember that laughter is really good medicine. Doing those three things might not keep a plane in the sky, or keep a ship afloat, or even prevent a war but you might stay married and for what its worth, you’ll definitely have better conversations.
Improve your public speaking
I joined Toastmasters in December of 2020 and I've learned so much from the experience. I'm part of a Tulsa club, its called Torchlighters Toastmasters. We are always accepting new members and guests are always welcome with no strings attached. If you have ever thought about ways to improve your executive presence or improving your public speaking skills, we would love to have you as our guest at a Monday meeting.
The meetings are at 12 pm. We meet virtually on Zoom. Check out our website or our Facebook page for more information.
Or visit Toastmasters International.
Joy in your heart
This is a continuation of yesterday's post.
Quitting cheer was hands down the best decision I ever made. It was like I was a whole new person. I didn't dread going to school anymore. Instead, I spent my time on things I liked doing. If I regret anything at all, it was not quitting sooner! That single decision planted the seed that grew into such an important life lesson.
The lesson: Don't say yes to something unless you plan on doing it with joy in your heart.
I'm guilty of saying yes to things in the past and then punishing the people around me for "making" me do it. That type of behavior is toxic and won't get you what you want. Each of us gets one chance at life, and you only have so much energy in every day, so make wise choices when it comes to what you spend it on.
Interesting side note, when my son Chandler started school, I learned that the same girl that was so mean to me in high school had a son Chan's age, and they would be playing sports together. That didn't last long, though, because we moved to a new school district. Funny how life works, isn't it?
Cheers and Tears
I've found that we start learning some lessons early in life. My sister made sure that I started tap, jazz, and ballet when I was young. She decided that I would follow in her footsteps and be a cheerleader. I didn't care much about cheer, but I liked my big sister's attention, so I jumped on board. In fourth grade tryouts, my sister learned the routines and made me practice until I had them down. She was so proud when I made the squad. Fifth grade went a little differently. I hadn't enjoyed cheerleading much the year before and didn't put much effort into it, and I didn't make the team. That led to my first experience with how terrible and cruel kids can be. I got made fun of relentlessly because I wasn't good enough to be a middle school cheerleader. That shame carried me through cheer tryouts and making the team every year into my high school years. I didn't do it because I loved it but because I didn't ever want to experience the rejection from fifth grade ever again.
I thought middle schoolers were terrible until I got to high school. Around my sophomore year, I started caring more about academics and my grades and less about my sports. When my junior year rolled around, so did hell because there were a couple of freshman cheerleaders who made it their mission to do everything in their power to make me cry. The fact that I wasn't quick to give in made them come at me even harder. I think the worst rumor they ever started about me was that I liked girls. Thinking about this now, I feel silly that I ever let it bother me so many years later. But back then, in the year 1999, it was mean and hateful, and I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.
By the time I was debating whether or not to try out my senior year, I was taking multiple advanced placement classes and still playing volleyball. I did not want to continue cheerleading, but I was too scared to regret my decision, so I tried out and made the team. The school had a rule that you couldn't quit a sport that was also a class, so I got stuck, and I wouldn't say I liked it. I made it through football season, but I dreaded honoring my basketball and wrestling season commitment. And then a miracle happened. See, the only thing the school cared about more than making students honor their commitments was how many students they had enrolled in advanced placement classes. It just so happened that my favorite teacher, Mr. Bein, was teaching AP U.S. History only during the same hour as cheerleading. The principal approved my transfer into his class, and I said goodbye to cheer for good.
To be continued..
About me section of my blog
Any girl can be a princess. She just needs to find a country to run. I am a lazy overachiever and a procrastinating perfectionist. My favorite word in the English language is facetious because it is the only one that has all five vowels in the correct order. I don't like unnecessary icons on my desktop. Adulting sucks sometimes, and nothing prepares you for how hard it is to be a parent. No one tells you that the moment your baby arrives, so does the worry and that you will never stop worrying about him. I like being the boss of myself and others too. I don't enjoy long walks on the beach or anywhere for that matter. I am a "go big or go home" kind of girl, and I am going home 99% of the time. But on the off chance I decide to go big, it will be with fierce passion. I have an equal number of opinions as I do ideas, and my will is strong. My do-it-yourself game is on point. I make things, like crafts. Random shuffle is a setting in my brain, not a line dance. It provides the soundtrack to my life. Thank goodness my chair spins. Otherwise, I would be so bored, and you would too, seeing as you wouldn't have this blog to read. These are the types of things you can expect to get from me because filters are overrated, and I think I am funny.
More background, continued post
This is the continuation of my last blog post...
We moved to Verdigris in March of 2020, but I didn't want chandler to have to move schools in the middle of the year, so he finished 8th grade at Catoosa. We didn't exactly pick Verdigris by ourselves. We had some help. My best friend Chrissy and I had an apartment together years ago, and then I bought a house in Catoosa and Chrissy bought the house one door down. Chrissy moved to Verdigris first and proceeded to send me the listing each time a new home went up for sale in her neighborhood. So when we decided to look close to her, we found the perfect place. The only problem was the buyer had already accepted an offer for it. On the advice of our brilliant realtor, Jessica (also Chrissy's sister-in-law, which means she is my sister-in-law), we put in an offer anyway. We lucked out and got the house because the other offer was contingent on them selling their house first, and we didn't have that problem.
It felt like a fresh start in the most incredible neighborhood. There are two ponds, a playground, duck crossing signs (where the ducks actually cross the street), tons of kids Chandler's age, and a walking path that leads directly to the school (which is also in the neighborhood). I didn't account for how hard it is to be a teenager with a helicopter mom. I pushed Chandler hard to make good grades and do his chores, and since he went to his dad's every weekend, that didn't leave much time for us to have fun. Looking back now, I know I missed signs that Chandler was stressed, and add that to the changes a 15-year-old goes through and the social elements of high school, things got rough. I didn't help. I was relentless and stayed on his case about school.
I also think that Chan felt like he was missing out on things at his dad's house. I don't know that for sure, but if it were me and I only saw my little brother on the weekends, that would be hard. Not to mention his dad has a farm going on with cows and chickens and the cutest pigs ever! Chan's stepmom is fantastic, and his gran lives right next door. Hell, I think I might want to move in with them too!
It didn't come as a shock when Chan came to me and said he wanted to go to school where his dad lives. I don't know what gave me a clue. I only know that I somewhat expected it. I am proud of my son for having the courage to sit down and talk with me about it. It couldn't have been easy to tell me.
At first, I was bound and determined to keep him with me. I looked back over our divorce paperwork and the custody agreement and went as far as talking with a lawyer. I changed my mind, though, once I had enough time to process things. For one, he is old enough to tell the court which parent he wants to live with, and the judge would strongly consider that in his decision. Chandler is turning 16 in less than a month. He is craving some independence. His whole life, people have been telling him where he was going and how long he would be there. If I were to fight it, that would be because I made it about me, not what was best for Chandler. Either way, he would be in a safe and healthy environment. As hard as it was, I decided to support him in his decision.
After that, I started focusing on the silver linings, like how exciting it would be to be the fun parent finally. That maybe his dad would have better luck getting him to finish and turn in his homework. I'm at peace with the situation but don't think for a second that it doesn't break my heart to the point that I cry thinking about it. It is brutal not having him here every week with me. It's also been the biggest blessing because I was forced to step back and see my baby for the man he is becoming. He is just incredible. I miss out on some of the day-to-day, but I have a better relationship with him now than I think I ever have.
Life is hard, kids are complex, but both are absolutely worth every minute of it! If you made it this far, thanks for listening. I hope that anyone who has gone through something like this or is going through it now knows that they aren't alone. We are all doing the best we can and making the most of it.
Little background, long post
My dad still lives in the same house where I was born and raised. I attended Catoosa Public Schools for all 13 years. The one thing that I was sure of when I found out that I was pregnant with Chandler was that he would also go to Catoosa. My roots run deep within our small community. My mom retired from the school system after over 30 years of service, and my sister taught 3rd grade at JW Sam Elementary. So there was no question in my mind where Chandler would attend school.
My sister hand-picked Chandler's teachers through 3rd grade, and while we did struggle through those years, it wasn't more than what I expected it to be. My sister passed away unexpectedly in Chandler's 3rd-grade year. He happened to be in the class right across the hall from where her room was. Let me tell you. It was hell on us the rest of the year to have to walk by there. I didn't have to do it nearly as much as Chandler did, and I can't possibly try to put myself in his shoes, but I would have traded places with him if I could.
We sought out counseling. I tried to stay as engaged as I could with Chan's teachers and classes. 4th grade is a bit of a blur for me. I don't remember it being terrible, but there were so many other horrible things we were going through at the time that maybe it was awful, but all things relative, it didn't make the priority list.
For me, 5th grade was the pivot point. That was when everything started progressing in the wrong direction, and I no longer felt I had any control or ability to course correct. I started getting conflicting messages from the school and Chan's teachers. One day, they would tell me he needed to be on an IEP because his impulse control and ADHD were limiting him and would have negative consequences on him in the future without one. The next day, I would get a note that said they would like to recommend him for advanced classes. A week or two later, I would get a progress report that said he was failing a subject.
Chandler was getting in trouble more often, being sent to the office to finish his schoolwork because he was disruptive in class. I would visit the school, walk down to his classroom, and find him alone at a desk in the hallway left to fend for himself while listening to his teacher interact with the rest of the class on the other side of the closed classroom door.
I reached my breaking point around the end of Chandler's 5th-grade year, so my goal was to get through the end of the year. Just make it to the summer reevaluate, and before the start of 6th grade, have a new plan in place. At the time, I thought 6th grade was rock bottom. It turns out I was wrong. I did the unthinkable by taking Chan out of Catoosa for 7th grade and enrolled him in Epic Charter School. For him, the school year was alright. His test scores improved, he didn't hate school, and I wasn't getting phone calls every day anymore. For me, it was one of the most challenging times of life as a parent. I had to learn to be both his mom and his teacher. We survived, but just barely. I knew I couldn't do it again for a couple of reasons. First, it was negatively impacting my relationship with my son. Second, he was missing out on building relationships with classmates and other kids his age.
8th grade Chan went back to Catoosa. I had hope because my favorite teacher in high school, my mentor and friend, would be Chan's new principal. I want to clarify that Mr. Bein is nothing short of a Saint in my mind. He was the best partner, advocate, advisor, enforcer, and administrator. Chandler was not motivated to do his work and when he did it, turning it in was the struggle. 8th grade was a good year, but I wanted more for my baby. I wanted him to flourish. So Andrew (for those of you who don't know, Andrew is my husband) and I moved to Verdigris.
To be continued...
You've got a friend in me
1 in a million - Post 9
Sometimes it is easy to focus on our struggles even though there are many incredible things to celebrate. Two nights ago, I woke up in a panic. I was in the middle of a dream where my best friend was sitting on the floor crying, and I woke up just before I got to ask her what was wrong. I patiently waited until an acceptable time to text her to make sure things were alright. For the last two days, I've randomly found myself just sitting and thinking how lucky I am to have her in my life. She is my "ride or die" (until about 9 pm). She's seen me at my absolute worst, yet we are still friends going on 18 or so years. We have laughed and cried our way through life experiences, even sacrificed a good purse once or twice. We usually know what the other is thinking and can finish each other's sentences. We don't agree on everything, but we love each other beyond any disagreement. We have so many inside jokes. It's hard to remember where some of them originated. We know each other so well that we've never lost a game of Catch Phrase against our husbands.
A friendship like ours is hard to come by, more like once in a lifetime. No matter how alone or misunderstood I feel, I know if I call her, she will speak my language when she answers the phone. She has made comments that her children might replace her as my best friend in the last year, and I would like to mention that she did get a battery-operated monster truck for my son when he was three and told him that if I told him no, he should drive over to her house (which was two houses down).
In all seriousness, she is not replaceable. I wish that everyone had a best friend like mine. She makes life a little brighter, a little more vibrant, and a lot more fun. Thank you, Chrissy, for just being you. I love you like frogs like peanut butter.
Raising a teenager
Post 8 - 1 in a million
I love my one and only child more than life itself. He is handsome and intelligent, and funny. He's thoughtful and sweet, and his moral compass points in the right direction. After 15 years of spending most weeks with me and weekends with his dad, he came to me on the last day of school last year and said he wanted to go to school where his dad lives. Talk about the physical manifestation of a person's heartbreaking. My amazing little boy standing in front of me told me he only wanted to spend every other weekend with me. What do you say to that?
My first reaction was simply "No," but I'm so glad that I didn't say it out loud. At the time, I wanted to take hold of my baby and never let go. I tried to maintain my composure. No one ever told me how hard it would be when becoming a parent. That once they are born, you no longer have control over this image of perfection that you helped create and that you will never again live a single day without worrying about them. Chandler showed me who I am. He brings out the best in me. He's taught me how easy it is to transition to mama bear when you sense your cub is in trouble. He has also taught me that our children are not us. They are just enough like us to butt heads, rebel, push our buttons, and stress us out.
I look at Chandler and think that even if I never do anything right again in my life, I did something right because he is incredible. The struggle in this situation wasn't Chandler. It was me. It is so easy to internalize something when it may or may not be about you. Sure, I'm hard on Chan because I love him, but I also have a once-in-a-lifetime relationship with him. I value the fact that he is growing up, and he wants to make his own decisions, and as long as those decisions still mean that he is safe and happy and healthy, I think I have to find a way to let him own it.
Unfortunately, they don't give you a "raising kids for dummies" book when you leave the hospital with your newborn, so we are just winging it over here, doing the best we can. On many occasions, I jokingly say that I'm not "mom of the year" material. Other people say it about me in not such a joking manner, and that's ok too. I'm not seeking anyone's approval. I know that I do the best I can. I know that my son knows how much I love him. I know that no matter what happens, no one will ever take my place because I am his mom.
I'll tell you what I do struggle with, though. I'm tired of losing the people that are closest to me. It used to seem like my family was so big. There were just so many of us. It doesn't feel that way anymore. I wish Chandler had the chance to know my mom the way that I did. I wish my brother were still here to teach him how to drive, just like he taught me. I hate that my sister doesn't get to watch him grow up. I hate that his memories of her will continue to fade because he can't make new ones with her. Sadly, he won't experience family reunions at the lake like I did growing up because I no longer feel like we belong there.
There are no bad days, only challenging moments. This too shall pass, and the sun will be beautiful again. Sometimes I think we have to slow down and take life one moment at a time. Every struggle looks a little easier after a good night's rest. I'm banking on that today.
Why I volunteer
I started volunteering almost six years ago. At first, it was a purely selfish mission. I was looking for ways to grow my leadership skills, and serving on a nonprofit board seemed like an excellent way to do it. My first role was on the programming committee for WICT (Women in Cable Telecommunications), which turned into a position on the board of directors. That first experience was all it took, and I never looked back. The lessons I learned are some of the most important of my professional life. I haven't always been the most approachable person. I tend to come off strong. The board taught me how to soften my delivery and actively listen and acknowledge others' ideas and thoughts. The feedback I received the first couple of years was harsh, to put it nicely but looking back now. I'm grateful for the honesty and courage that it took to provide me with that feedback.
I had such a positive experience on that first board that I joined the board of Oklahoma Women in Technology, PMI Tulsa, and I joined the advisory council of the Tulsa Regional STEM Alliance. The people I met and the connections I made fundamentally changed my career trajectory. I reached my term limit on each board and handed things off to my successors except for WICT. I'm finishing up my final year with Women in Cable Telecommunications, and it is bitter-sweet. I got more out of that relationship than I'll ever be able to return, but I decided that it was time to move on. There is only so much time in a day, and I can't take on new initiatives without handing off the old ones.
Volunteering is an important endeavor. If you are looking for a way to give back or get involved in a mission you are passionate about, please take my advice and do it. You will get more out of it than you give, and you won't regret your commitment.
Tell a good story
Over the last year, I learned a valuable lesson that explained why the best idea doesn't always win. I used to think it was office politics, or I just wasn't as bright as I thought. Those might be part of the problem, but more often than not, I've found that the problem is bad storytelling.
I spent more time than I care to admit banging my head against the wall trying to understand why my boss, co-worker, or friend wasn't motivated to try the ideas I proposed. I found myself saying the same words repeatedly, thinking that if I said it the right way, they would be on board without hesitation. I served as a textbook example of someone going insane, doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different outcome. After self-reflection and accepting that I can only control myself, a few insights started to surface.
I realized that by the time I talked to someone else about an idea, I had already invested hours, days, sometimes weeks in it, but the person I was telling was hearing it for the first time. Also that I pitched ideas based on what I thought was important, not how they would benefit from it. A few times, I even caught myself getting so excited that my thoughts were coming out scattered, hard to follow, and insignificant. It's no wonder my ideas were dying on the vine.
So what needed to change? Me! I needed to change my approach. The first thing I did was join Toastmasters. My goal was to learn better techniques for structuring and delivering a message. The second thing I did was practice pitching in front of the mirror and even video recording myself and then watching it back to see how I would come across to others. It's interesting the things you do that will annoy you about yourself. For me, it's rolling my eyes. I do it ALL THE TIME without realizing I'm doing it. I also talk with my hands way too much, to the point that it becomes distracting.
It is embarrassing to watch yourself back on video, and public speaking is scary, but doing these things has worked for me. More and more of my ideas get implemented, I'm building trust and gaining influence. I'm not planning to run for office or lead a campaign, so you might wonder whether or not public speaking or storytelling are essential skills to master. My answer is yes, they are. We are built for community, wired for connection, and thrive off our relationships with others. Learning to tell a good story will only enhance those experiences.
The Autism Spectrum
At work, our Engineering Inclusion, Diversity, & Equity Advisory Council asked me to assist with a coffee talk on Autism Spectrum Disorder. I learned so much that I thought I would share it with you!
Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a developmental disability that can cause significant social, communication, and behavioral challenges. There is often nothing about how people with ASD look that sets them apart from other people, but people with ASD may communicate, interact, behave, and learn differently. The learning, thinking, and problem-solving abilities of people with ASD can range from gifted to severely challenged. Some people with ASD need a lot of help in their daily lives; others need less.
A diagnosis of ASD now includes several conditions that used to be diagnosed separately: autistic disorder, pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified, and Asperger syndrome. These conditions are now all called autism spectrum disorder.
The autism spectrum is estimated to affect about 62.2 million globally as of 2015
Causes are unknown - the research suggests that genes can act together with influences from the environment to affect a child's development in a way that brings about ASD.
People with ASD often have problems with social, emotional, and communication skills. They might repeat certain behaviors and might not want change in their daily activities. Many people with ASD also have different ways of learning, paying attention, or reacting to things.
By the numbers:
BY THE NUMBERS (Source: National Today)
1 in 59 – the number of children diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder in 2018.
1 in 34 – the number of boys diagnosed with ASD in 2016, according to data collected by the CDC.
1 in 145 – the number of girls diagnosed with ASD in 2016, according to data collected by the CDC.
4 – the age after which most children are diagnosed with ASD.
31% – the percentage of children with an intellectual disability due to ASD.
2-18% – the percentage of chances of parents having a second child with ASD after the first one.
36-95% – the percentage of chances that if one child has autism in a pair of twins, the other will be affected as well.
½ – of the total number of children with autism typically wander or 'bolt' from a safe setting if something catches their interest.
28% – the percentage of children with ASD who have self-harm behavior.
⅔ – of the total number of children with autism face severe bullying.
Common signs that could hint at ASD:
Specialists who can do a more in-depth evaluation and make a diagnosis include:
Get out of your own way!
Have you ever heard the term "you just have to get out of your head" or "you're just overthinking it"? I have listened to those lines more times than I would like to admit, but I never knew what to do about it or how to resolve it.
The first time I fully understood your mental state's power was when I read a book called "The Inner Game of Tennis." Now, if you are thinking, "I don't play tennis, this isn't for me," I challenge you to consider that we are all athletes preparing for something, whether it's a sporting competition or a presentation, meeting, or work assignment.
The book's main idea is that there is a self-one and a self-two within each one of us. Self one is the voice inside your head that works hard to tell you what you should have, could have, didn't do. Self-two is the one who executes the doing. The goal is to quiet self-one so that self-two can do its job. Have you ever heard, "I know what I need to do; I just can't seem to do it"?
I started playing pool (billiards) when I was 20 years old. At first, it began as something fun to do that kept my mind off of the nasty breakup I had just experienced. Ten years later, I played in WPBA tournaments and ranked in the world's top 50 women billiard players. Back then, I didn't spend much time thinking about the matches I lost or even that I might fail.
Fast forward to a time in my life where the ground I stood on felt shaky. I wasn't comfortable or confident in anything I did. My family dynamics had shifted, my role in it changed, and work wasn't going well. I was fired for the first time in my life and looking for a new job. I was thinking about failing. As you can probably imagine, my confidence was at an all-time low. It was then that I realized that my mental state determined more outcomes than energy and effort.
These are not novel theories. My guess is you've heard at least some of this before. That's why I want to focus on what you can do about it, and the first thing you have to do is find a way to quiet self-one. You hear yourself talk more than you hear anyone else. What you say matters, so stop talking down to yourself. Another way to think about it is, would you want your thoughts broadcasted to the entire world? Especially during troubling times? I think we can all agree, that would be bad.
A great example of quieting self-one is in the movie "For Love of the Game." Kevin Costner is a pitcher, and just before he pitches, he verbally says, "Clear the Mechanism," and the crowd and noise fade away, and all he sees is the catcher's glove. That is the first step to quieting self-one. The next step is to act the part. Your facial expressions and mannerisms need to represent the athlete you want to be. This is probably where the saying "fake it til you make it" comes. Next, you have to make sure that your skills match the challenge. If you are underskilled at the task at hand, anxiety might get the best of you. If you are over-skilled, you'll be bored. Finally, it would be best if you did not fight your bad habits. Handle success and failure the same way. Don't get upset with yourself when you make a mistake. Create a judgment-free zone. No energy or emotion goes into the error. Treat it like anything else. The only way to deal with bad habits is to create good ones to replace them.
Now once you've mastered quieting self-one, acting the part, aligning skills to challenges, and stop judging your bad habits, there's just one last thing to consider. Why are you doing what you are doing? You better have a good answer for this. Otherwise, it might be time to reevaluate what you spend time doing.
A couple of years ago, I lost my passion for playing pool. I continued to compete in tournaments, but I was losing matches that I knew I should win. For me, it came down to my why. When I got up the nerve to think about why I was still playing, it was clear that I played because I thought I should play. All the years I spent practicing and traveling to play would go to waste if I stopped playing. At least that's what I told myself. Ultimately though, my heart wasn't in it, and as hard as it was, I had to quit. I thought that was the only solution. It wasn't until a year later that I reread "The Inner Game of Tennis" and realized that I hadn't considered every aspect of my choices.
I challenge you to think about the last time you were worried about something. I bet that the thing you were worried about was something either in the future or in the past. We can't control the future or the past. We can only control the present. Finding a way to focus on the present means you can stop wasting time on things you can't control and focus on the things you can control. To take it one step further, set goals based on the process, not the outcome. I mean that practice doesn't make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect, and we can control how we practice. Set your effort on the aim, not the results. That is what determines whether we succeed or fail. That is also what brought me back to pool. I found a way to quiet self-one and focus on the task at hand, the thing I can control. In September, I played in the BCA Nationals tournament in Las Vegas, and I finished 17th in the Ladies Platinum singles, and my ladies team finished 5th! Not too bad if I do say so myself!
How this blog started
Has there ever been a time in your life when you felt helpless? In 2012 my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I felt helpless. The person who brought me into this world, kept me alive, and helped shape me into the person I've become was sick, and there wasn't anything I could do about it. Since my son was only seven at the time and he went to bed early. My nights became lonely, and I didn't have many people to talk to, so I started a blog to have a place to capture my thoughts and express myself.
Fast forward to now, and what started as nothing more than an online diary has evolved into a time capsule of the last nine years of my life. These days I have a couple of websites, and I use WordPress for them, but back in 2012, I went with Weebly to build my website, purchase my domain and hosting and start my blog. It provides an easy-to-use platform of drag and drop elements that allowed me to get the blog online quickly.
If you or someone you know wants to start a blog, here are my top 3 tips.
I lost my mom in 2016 unexpectedly, but it wasn't to cancer. My blog helped me through some challenging life experiences, and now anytime I feel nostalgic, I can take a scroll (not stroll) down memory lane. I'll leave you with this, write a book about your life. If not a book, write a blog. If not a blog, a journal. The point is that writing is therapeutic and a great gift to leave your kids or grandkids.
How many of you have that one friend who talks excessively with their hands? For me, it was my mother. For example, when I was a teenager, we were a few days away from leaving for a trip when my mom managed to shut the car door with her hand still in it, resulting in her having a broken middle finger that required a splint. A few days later, we arrived at the airport, and I sat with our things while my mom and grandma went to the restroom. A few minutes went by, and suddenly, I heard a few people around me chuckling. I looked up to see what the laughter was all about. As my mom and grandma made their way back to me, I realized my mom must have been telling a great story because her hands were talking away, and because of the splint on her middle finger, it looked like she was flipping everyone off as she passed by them.
Much like my mother, I, too, talk with my hands. Imagine that you are a hand talker, but it doesn't end there because you are also really good at communicating everything you're thinking with your face. Not only would that probably make you a lousy poker player, but when delivering a speech, it might also overwhelm your audience. There is such thing as too much body language. Finding the right balance is a delicate endeavor.
Virtual meetings add another dimension to using body language to communicate effectively. Your desk becomes your stage, and your audience resembles the game show Hollywood Squares or the intro to The Brady Bunch tv show. We can all agree that meeting online presents new challenges that weren't an issue when meeting in person. There is one thing that didn't change, the importance of using effective body language. Let's start with posture. Sitting up straight will impact your level of confidence. How you carry yourself matters. I recently got a brand new chair for my desk in my home office, and until now, I hadn't realized how important it is to have a comfortable chair that is easy to sit in with good posture.
Since preparing for my first Toastmasters speech, I have recorded myself while watching it back and looking for improvement areas. One of the first things I noticed was that I unintentionally roll my eyes quite often. I also overuse my hand gestures, and I sway back and forth while not making eye contact with the camera. Boy, that was a lot to unpack! I subscribe to the philosophy that knowing is half the battle. If you know you do something, you can consciously decide whether or not you want to continue doing it.
How many of you have watched a news broadcast where the anchor's facial expressions or camera positioning didn't match the content they were delivering? Those are great examples of ineffective use of body language. It is important to use body language effectively so that the message you are sending is the message your audience is receiving. You've heard the phrase, "perception is reality," and body language plays a significant role in whether you are perceived the way you intended or not.
Now that we've got that covered, you might be wondering how you can improve your use of body language. If you have a habit of moving your hands too much, you risk distracting your audience. If you grip something tight, it might come across as discomfort. I recently gave a speech, and I didn't notice until I watched it back that I held my hands gripped in front of me nearly the entire time. I know that my audience would have been distracted because even I was distracted. So I printed out the speech and made notes exactly where I thought hand gestures would be most effective and then practiced it that way. If facial expressions are a concern for you, something you can do is practice them in the mirror.
I haven't mastered the eye-rolling issue yet, so I would love to hear if anyone has ideas. The common theme is knowing the area you can improve in, deciding your approach to implementing said improvements, and practice, practice, practice.
Are you 1 in a million?
I'm starting a new blog series tomorrow, and I hope you will tune in for it. The inspiration comes from a friend who is having a complex 10-12 hour surgery tomorrow. It isn't my story to tell, so I won't tell it. I will say she is facing a 4-6 week recovery, and I plan to publish a new post for each of those days. The title of this blog series is "1 in a Million" or, as I like to say, "M1LLION" - see what I did there? I put the "1" inside the word "million" because I'm very clever. What my friend is up against only affects 1 in a million people, thus the title of the series.
This friend and I don't have a close relationship, although I hope that changes in the future because I genuinely enjoy every minute I spend chatting with her.
I've had this blog since 2012 when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I needed someone to talk to, so I turned to the internet as my little online diary. It served me well then, and I hope that it will serve as a source of entertainment to my dear friend for the next month or so while on her road to recovery.
"Why a blog series?" you might ask and well..
Before my brother passed away, I made a blog post about an argument we had, and he was gone before I could make amends. I let that keep me from posting for a long time. And then this friend of mine came up to me out of the blue and told me how much she enjoyed reading my blog. She thought I was a talented writer (no one had ever called me a writer before). Honestly, I didn't think anyone read this thing, but I was wrong. At least one person is reading it. I can't think of a better way to honor and hopefully support her (in my unique way)!
I hope you will tune in. Feel free to leave a comment, a few words of encouragement for my friend, advice on life or love or taxes.
And come back tomorrow.