The Masters Of Illusion
Our experiences and our relationships are what mold us into the people we are whether they are positive or negative. While I have learned a lot in my 35 years and so far the good outweighs the bad, the bad still had the most memorable impact on me.
Things are not always what they seem, and neither are people. There are impostors out there who have mastered the art of illusion, and the facade they put on is top notch.
I am somewhat naive, and I desperately want to see the good in people so as you can guess I have set myself up for failure a few times. Probably the most frustrating part is that I know I am an intelligent girl yet I allowed someone to betray me. It rocked me to my core and changed me as a person, and as a result, I built defense mechanisms so that I wouldn't ever have to go through something like that again.
The signs were there I guess I just didn't want to see them. Anytime someone tries to control, isolate, manipulate or blame you for everything or when they can't find anything to accuse you of so they make things up and run a smear campaign against you, those should be red flags that send you running in the opposite direction!
The only way to deal with this type of person is to sever all ties and cut off all contact, and the sooner you do it, the better. You still might not be in the clear though because now winning you back has become a challenge and they want nothing more than to win.
They will go to great lengths to try and convince you that they have changed or that they will do whatever it takes. They will probably even admit to seeing the error of their ways even though it is a complete lie. After they have tried everything they can think of their final attempt will be to try and remain friends. To them you are not a person, you are a piece of property, and they desperately want to keep tabs on you.
I built up walls so high I didn't think I would ever let anyone in again but then I met Andrew. He has taught me what it feels like to be loved, appreciated and accepted. He broke down the walls and reminded me of who I am and helps me every day to be a better version of myself than I was yesterday. I am a lucky girl.
I do things with passion and give it my all or I just won't do them at all, and I once cried over a Folgers commercial, so I think that qualifies me as being emotional without even using the stereotypical fact that I'm a girl.
I believe that logic and emotion are not mutually exclusive, they work best when used together. My knee jerk reactions tend to be based more on feeling rather than thinking but given some time to digest; I usually become reasonable which is probably why my apologies have gotten better as I have gotten older.
As time has gone by and I have experienced more interactions both professionally and personally, I have slowly learned to communicate better by pausing after my initial reaction to something someone has said and let my brain reason with the information. Before I started doing this, back when I would respond off the cuff, I had many regrets after conversations because I hadn't taken the time to think things through.
These days I do have more successful interactions and by actually listening to what others who believe differently than I do have to say, I have learned a lot. We are all unique and have something to offer if others are willing to accept.
Beyond just making decisions balanced between emotion and logic there are still obstacles to overcome. Staying open-minded and accepting of others thoughts, feelings, rationale, and emotions add a whole new level of potential problematic variables because you can only control you. You can't make other people open to what you are saying, thinking and feeling.
Without going too off topic, I will venture to say that these are the same reasons it 's hard to talk about politics when different beliefs are involved. Surely there is a better way, a more successful approach. I just haven't found it yet.
No Amount Of Time Is Enough
I know that the last couple of posts I have written seemed to follow a theme and while I'm changing it up for this post, I will get back to all of that shortly. But tonight something happened, and I can't help but share it.
See, this blog started as an outlet for me, and it continues to be a safe place for me to write, vent, express and sometimes just bitch about the things that maybe I don't have the balls actually to address in real life. But at least if I can write it down, I can get it out of my head and continue moving forward.
So.. Tonight was amazing, I went out with the girls to sing karaoke, and we had a great time! I probably drank a little too much, but hey, I wasn't driving! My Lyft driver was fantastic!! =) When I got home though I made some inferior decisions.
See, it has almost been a year since my mom went into the hospital and about this time last year I saved all of the old voicemails from my phone onto an external drive and when I got home and was checking my email I came across the reminders of the files I added a year ago. If you don't already know, let me just tell you that listening to the voice of someone who has passed away after you have alcohol in your system is a terrible idea. All it does it intensify your emotions and make it that much more hysterical.
I honestly don't know if I will ever be ready to hear those again. Maybe in another 20 years but for right now I can still hear my mom's voice in my head, I still know what she sounds like, and I don't need a reminder. I thought it would be good to hold on to all of those old voicemails just in case, but that was before I knew how she would forever be etched into my memories and how much it would hurt actually to hear her voice again instead of just imagining it.
I say all of this, but I also feel the need to mention that my mom was the most amazing person I have ever met. Anyone who knew her would agree because I show no bias by saying that, she was truly the most loving and accepting person and I know that everything she did in her short time here wasn't for nothing, it couldn't have been. I know that she has to be somewhere, doing great things. I have to believe that deep down she knows that she doesn't have to worry about me because she raised me right and she prepared me for all that has and is still to come and no matter what, I am going to be alright. I love you, and I miss you, mom!
THE PRICE OF PERSEVERANCE
When someone pays me a compliment I usually down play it or shrug it off because for whatever reason compliments make me feel uncomfortable. Someone told me recently that I know how to persevere, and I just nodded in agreement at the time, but I've been questioning whether or not they were right about me.
Perseverance is an admirable trait to possess, but not always a glamorous one. Overcoming adversities in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement is hard work, and the reward doesn't always feel good because to be successful you have to make tough decisions that others in your life may not agree with.
I am straight forward and blunt about most things, and on occasion, I lack tact. Chalk that up to working in a predominantly male environment all of my adult life and the fact that I have mostly male hobbies I guess. Whatever the reason, I usually spend a lot of time playing defense after I've said something in the wrong tone or at the wrong time or it gets taken out of context. I feel like the details of how or when or why I deliver a message shouldn't matter as much as the message itself, why get lost in the details?
I realize that not everyone else thinks this way, but I like to think that those who know me well are at least willing to give me the benefit of the doubt and look at what I'm doing rather than how I got it done. I also believe that I am open-minded and smart enough to admit that I won't get it right every time which means I need help. I need feedback and advice, thoughts and suggestions, and sometimes I just need to say it out loud to hear myself think.
Things don't always have to be done my way, but they do have to get done. I wake up every morning with the best of intentions, not with a plot to piss anyone off. My mom had a rule that I have and will always continue to live by which is "don't complain unless you can suggest a solution or you are willing to work on finding one."