My Recent Status Updates: Part Three

If you missed my first blog post on status updates you can find it here: www.mychairspins.com/my-blog/my-recent-status-updates.  
If you missed my second blog post on status updates you can find it here:  www.mychairspins.com/my-blog/my-recent-status-updates-part-two

​Now for part three!!!!

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You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino

The "best part of waking up" doesn't even make sense..

If you are having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!!

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

I'll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where's my phone?" and it yells back "Down here in the couch cushions!"

How can i be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count? 

I really like compliments but I don't want anyone talking to me..

Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.

No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense. 

I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.

I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?

Some people are flirting with my delete and block button..

I'm feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto. 

Eventually some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing. 

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by a tornado warning from four days ago..

Dear Santa, before I try to explain... Just how much do you already know?

There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text message conversation we've had.

Yawning is our body's way of saying 20% battery life remaining. 

My statuses are so much better if you imagine they are being read by Morgan Freeman.

Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push... Into traffic.

If I had a British accent, I would never stop talking.

Bored, so I am going to find a kid that looks like me and tell her that I'm her from the future.

Netflix - Hoping my nephews ex college roommate doesn't change the password. 

Just tried to put my seat belt on.. At my desk.. I'm pretty.

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

If watching Chandler play video games has taught me anything, it's that if you encounter enemies then you're going the right way!

If a zombie apocalypse ever breaks out I really hope it's on a night that I have Chandler, otherwise I won't survive.

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time, no one should die alone.

I just need someone to feed me and tell me that I am pretty. 

I wonder if when I die they will publish the "notes" on my iPhone as great unfinished works.

I can't be held responsible for what my face does when you talk..

People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as the conditioner are truly ninja's.

Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk..