My Recent Status Updates..

​I'm like the Michael Jordan of relationships but when he was playing baseball..

The first rule of Introvert Club is don't talk to me. The second rule is I don't even like clubs, I quit.

I'm going to start talking to my car, just in case it is a transformer.

​I turned wine into a hangover. 
Your move Jesus.

That's it, I'm going back to being a ninja..

​If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old. Recently I have been insuring that I will have entertainment well into my 90's.

​Decided I only like clicky pens when I'm the clicker..

​Do you think Batman uses fabric softener? Maybe one of those downy balls?

​My new pickup line for guys is asking them if they want to be my emergency contact.

​If you're trying to get me to secretly set off a bomb, tie the detonator to the cork of a wine bottle.

Voyager 1 left the solar system 1 year ago and still gets a better signal than an iPhone at my parents house...

​To all of my ponytail holders (wherever you are...) I hope you're happy!