Well, I'm feeling good about being back at this blog writing stuff. I haven't posted in over a year and hadn't planned to change that until I got a little push from an unlikely place. I was playing pool league at Magoo's, and a friend, we'll call her Susie, was nice enough to take the time to tell me that she enjoyed my blog and reading what I wrote. Honestly, this shocked me a bit because I didn't think anyone read this thing other than me! It was a pleasant surprise and motivated me to write this post so thank you, Susie!
I think the best place to start is with some insight into what made me stop in the first place. One of the last things I wrote was just after a fight I had with my brother, and he passed away shortly after. Anyone who knows me knows that my family has suffered more than one tragic loss in the last couple of years, and this last one just set me back quite a bit. Losing my sister and my mom was extremely difficult, but at least I was in a good place with both of them, and I wasn't harboring any regret. I was not so lucky with my brother, and it took me a while to come to terms with that. I had to find a way to remind myself that our relationship wasn't just that one disagreement but years and years of other experiences, most of which were positive.
Grief is a funny thing, and it hits everyone differently. Within six years, I lost three members of my immediate family. It changed me. It changed the dynamics of what family I have left and my role within the family. It changed my priorities and the way I set them. It changed my outlook on life and my approach to new things. I'm still the same person at my core, but I think I look a little different these days on the inside.
Over the last year, I have started to take stock of my life, and in doing so, I realized that I have room for improvement as a human, as a mom, as a wife, daughter, friend, employee, teammate. I am bold and outspoken. I wear my heart on my sleeve along with my opinions, even if you don't want them in the first place. I am learning, though, that if I'm going to be that intense outwardly, I must also be willing to take a hard look in the mirror and do some significant self-reflecting. I've always attempted to be as self-aware as one can, but that isn't enough. I need to go the extra step and ask for feedback, be brave enough to have tough conversations, listen to comprehend, not respond. Admit when I'm wrong and sincerely apologize when necessary. The older I get, the more I realize I don't know. I still have a lot to learn. I'm a work in progress, and that has to count for something! At least it counts in my book.
Until next time.