Blog Challenge "100 posts in 100 days" Post #99
I try my best to choose to have good days and even when that becomes difficult I can usually still find the silver lining. Today was not one of those days. Today I failed, I was failed, and I'm feeling the effects of failure really bad.
I woke up late and ended up taking my first meeting from home, I didn't have time to get to the office before it started so I had to wait for a break in my schedule before I could drive into the office. The meeting stalled on agenda item #1 and we never got through the things that really needed attention but since we ran out of time it would have to wait until next time.
I chair our local market engagement team and we have a cookout planned for tomorrow, I borrowed my dads truck to pick up our Sam's Club order but when I got there the order wasn't ready so I had to take meeting #2 for the day from the parking lot.
I got a call from my brother just before they finished loading everything into the truck telling me to come pick him up, he had just gotten out of the hospital. At this point, you can probably piece together that my day was really going off the rails fast. I was stressed, anxious, frustrated and the rest of my family is all out of town.
With the truck full of hamburger meet, hotdogs, and all of the other items needed for a cookout, I arrive to pick my brother up. After calling him a handful of times and driving around looking for him I pull over and wait for him to call me back. I get him picked up and that's when shit hit the fan.
I could defend myself with all the ways in which my brother has let me down, left me stranded, guilt tripped me, and found any possible reason to blame me for outcomes to situations I have no connection to. All of those are true and I'm sure that they fueled the fire within me but today, I was wrong. I am ashamed of myself and the way that I acted and how I treated the only sibling I have left. I let anger and resentment, hurt and misunderstanding dictate my words and actions and I have been beating myself ever since and for good reason. I said some really awful things that I can't take back and for that I am truly sorry.
I have to figure out how to better navigate the choppy waters of a disconnected family. Since my sister and my mom passed, life has just gotten hard. I can't keep all the plates in the air anymore and the emotional toll it is taking shows, especially on days like today. I can't be everything to everyone nor do I want to, but I don't know how to change it so that things don't automatically default to me. I should have already addressed the things that have been simmering inside of me for so long now but I didn't. I was scared to confront my brother, I was afraid I would make things worse when really all I wanted was for it to be like it used to be but that's just it, things aren't like they used to be.
I'm working on making my peace with this really bad day that I let take over my mind and body and do my very best to not let it happen again but I'm only human, there are no guarantees.