I am like the Michael Jordan of relationships, just when he played baseball, not basketball. My husband and I met at a karaoke bar, but that doesn't make for a great story, so instead, we tell people we met at farmersonly.com. It's ironic because neither of us can keep an artificial plant alive, much less farm, but it's funny and memorable.
My husband, Andrew, is a professional consultant and an expert communicator. He did not know what he was signing up for when we started dating or that I would be his most challenging client. I haven't always been what you might call an "effective" communicator.
Early in our relationship, I found this article titled "The 36 questions to fall in love". It claimed to accelerate the kind of personal closeness that usually takes much longer to create. I was optimistic until we got to question number 11, which read: Take 4 minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible. Andrew went first. When the 4 minutes were up, I was so interested in what he said that I suggested he continue. 2 hours later, he was still talking, and I was trying to figure out a polite way to exit the conversation in his living room. I wasn't sure if he was ever going to wrap it up. I kept wondering, how many lives has this man lived? Is he a cat?
After we got married, you would think that the communication between us would naturally improve, but we still had our struggles. Some people think it's so cute when newlyweds finish each other's sentences, but I assure you that my husband didn't think it was cute. I tried to finish his sentences ALL THE TIME, and he had the nerve to think I was just interrupting him. Hypothetically speaking, If I were interrupting him, it would only be because I had a better ending to his sentence, and I simply wanted the best for him.
For more than a year, we listened to country music in the car. Not because either of us likes country music, but when I would say, "babe, you can change the station," he would respond, "oh, this is ok," until one day I said, "Can we please listen to something else? This is getting old" he looked at me and said, "I thought you liked country music." We both got a good laugh out of it and then proceeded to change the station permanently.
If I summed up every fight Andrew and I have ever had, it would read "failure to communicate" The fact that he communicates for a living is not lost on me. I fully admit that it is possible. I was the problem. I wish I could blame it on my parents, but I can't. My mom and dad were married for 49 years, and not only did they love each other. They liked each other too. Or maybe it is their fault for not teaching me how to argue. They left me ill-prepared for all the fights life had in store for me.
They also told me I was brilliant often enough that I believed them and, I translated that to mean that people would listen when I spoke, and they genuinely wanted to hear what I had to say. So, I should share everything I'm thinking with the world.
I am a millennial in my defense, so I grew up with helicopter parents constantly telling me that I can do anything I set my mind to. If my husband had a stash of blue participation ribbons to reward me with from time to time, we would've both been much happier.
Andrew is part of generation x, though, the independent, latchkey kids that learned how to fend for themselves. My husband's greatest fear is what legacy he will leave behind. My greatest fear is waving back at someone who was waving at someone else.
I'll admit, I married up, way out of my league. Communication hasn't always been our strong suit, but we learned to make up for it in other ways. For example, we have mastered the bedroom. At the end of the day, when we find ourselves lying in bed and the mood is just right for some intimacy, that's when the magic happens.
The laughing that is. We spend so much time in bed, laughing. Over the years, we have accumulated several inside jokes, and we both enjoy healthy banter and a good pun, and they come out as soon our heads hit the pillows. These are the moments I treasure the most.
Thirty-six questions might be all it takes to fall in love, but what about staying in love? I know for us, having a sense of humor helps. When it comes to anger, have a short-term memory and when it comes to having fun, cherish it because laughter is the best medicine, and it will get you through tough times.
Relationships are hard work. We can all strive to reach the professional level but let's face it. There is only one Michael Jordan. He is arguably the best basketball player of all time, but he didn't win games by himself. It takes a team to win. There's no "I" in team, but there are two "I's" in communication, and for that, I hold out hope.
This is a speech I wrote and gave at Toastmasters. Let me know what you think in the comments!
Route 66 is roughly 2500 miles long. I can be found just a few minutes from attraction #13, the big blue whale in my hometown of Catoosa, where I was born and raised. Growing up, I was the baby of three. It took me a long time to learn how to speak up and even longer to speak in public. I joined toastmasters to learn structure and form to give speeches and adopt good habits for organizing and preparing speeches. My journey to toastmasters can be directly linked to me as an 8th grader being made fun of by one of my peers for not being able to read.
I was insecure and self-conscious in junior high, and I absolutely hated being called on to read aloud in class. At some point, one of my teachers interpreted this to mean that I couldn’t read, which landed me in a special education class. An odious stigma I would spend years working to overcome.
When it came time for me to enroll in college and realized that speech was a required course, all that embarrassment and shame I felt from being labeled a “slow learner” came flooding back.
It took enrolling in speech three times before I got up the nerve to speak in front of the class. The first two times, I was so scared in the days leading up to my first speech, I dropped the course.
I eventually managed to pass but believe me, when I say, my speeches were not good. I struggled to find my voice, and once I found it, I didn’t have the self-confidence to use it.
All of that changed when I experienced, what was up to that point, the most significant loss of my life.
In 2014, my only sister passed away unexpectedly, and all I could think about was how much I still had to say to her and what I wanted others to know and remember about her. I took on the responsibility of writing her eulogy.
She left behind a son and two daughters and a classroom full of 3rd graders who called her Mrs. Sarten. The funeral was held in the gym at the school where she taught, and there wasn’t an empty seat.
When it was time, I didn’t think twice about getting up to speak. I wasn’t nervous or afraid. I walked to the front of the gym, looked up, and delivered the best speech of my life.
You see, I had come prepared. I knew what I needed to say and what I thought my sister would’ve wanted me to say, and I spent days leading up to it writing and rewriting until I felt the words were just right. So, by the time I got up to speak, I was ready. It was almost muscle memory.
Grief is a funny thing, and it hits everyone differently. It taught me that when you have something that you can’t live without saying and a purpose beyond yourself, it becomes much easier because it’s no longer a choice. Speaking that day wasn’t about me. It was about getting the message to the audience, and I was just the vehicle.
In the words of Winnie, the Pooh, “you’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
Since then, I’ve spoken in front of many large groups, served as an expert panelist for professional forums, and I delivered eulogies for both my mom in 2016 and my brother in 2019. I can safely say that it doesn’t get easier, but I do know that I’ve come a long way from being that 8th-grade girl in a remedial reading class.
Every roadblock and detour I encountered while navigating down my own Mother Road served as the building blocks that got me where I am today.
Well, I'm feeling good about being back at this blog writing stuff. I haven't posted in over a year and hadn't planned to change that until I got a little push from an unlikely place. I was playing pool league at Magoo's, and a friend, we'll call her Susie, was nice enough to take the time to tell me that she enjoyed my blog and reading what I wrote. Honestly, this shocked me a bit because I didn't think anyone read this thing other than me! It was a pleasant surprise and motivated me to write this post so thank you, Susie!
I think the best place to start is with some insight into what made me stop in the first place. One of the last things I wrote was just after a fight I had with my brother, and he passed away shortly after. Anyone who knows me knows that my family has suffered more than one tragic loss in the last couple of years, and this last one just set me back quite a bit. Losing my sister and my mom was extremely difficult, but at least I was in a good place with both of them, and I wasn't harboring any regret. I was not so lucky with my brother, and it took me a while to come to terms with that. I had to find a way to remind myself that our relationship wasn't just that one disagreement but years and years of other experiences, most of which were positive.
Grief is a funny thing, and it hits everyone differently. Within six years, I lost three members of my immediate family. It changed me. It changed the dynamics of what family I have left and my role within the family. It changed my priorities and the way I set them. It changed my outlook on life and my approach to new things. I'm still the same person at my core, but I think I look a little different these days on the inside.
Over the last year, I have started to take stock of my life, and in doing so, I realized that I have room for improvement as a human, as a mom, as a wife, daughter, friend, employee, teammate. I am bold and outspoken. I wear my heart on my sleeve along with my opinions, even if you don't want them in the first place. I am learning, though, that if I'm going to be that intense outwardly, I must also be willing to take a hard look in the mirror and do some significant self-reflecting. I've always attempted to be as self-aware as one can, but that isn't enough. I need to go the extra step and ask for feedback, be brave enough to have tough conversations, listen to comprehend, not respond. Admit when I'm wrong and sincerely apologize when necessary. The older I get, the more I realize I don't know. I still have a lot to learn. I'm a work in progress, and that has to count for something! At least it counts in my book.
Until next time.
This TED Talk has to be one of my all-time favorites. The title is "A Republican mayor's plan to replace partisanship with policy." I am a massive fan of mayor Bynum and his methodology. I applaud the way he ran his campaign for mayor and how he uses raw data to determine what to accomplish and give the citizens a means to measure his success. With that, here is the video. I can't wait to hear what you think after watching it, leave me a comment!
My precious son might give me an ulcer! Teenagers are tough man, and he knows me so well and knows how far to push and what he can get away with, and then when he is in trouble, how to appeal to my softer side.
Chandler almost failed last semester and not because he isn't smart or because he didn't learn the material. No, he almost failed for not turning in his homework, or not doing it in the first place. The struggle is real; getting him motivated is like looking for a unicorn. I hope we make it through eighth grade!
This is a custom shirt I made for a friend. She gave me a picture of what she wanted and I did my best to recreate it. I'm still new at this designing in Adobe Illustrator but I think I'm starting to get the hang of it!
I'm working on a new schedule for blogging because there are so many different topics that I want to write about and since this is my blog I can do what I want! Ha! I think I'm going to break it down into themed days of the week, for now that seems like the easiest plan. This is what I'm thinking:
Maker Monday: DIY projects & crafts with my vinyl cutting machine.
Tuesday Tell-all: Life, family, grief/loss, mom stuff, etc.
Watch-it Wednesday: TED Talk inspiration - videos from my favorites playlist
Thursday How-to: All sorts of different tips and tricks that I use personally & for work
Friday Five: Five of my favorite things
Series Saturday: Deep dive into a tool or utility, program or process
Sunday Funday: Anything goes
After spending twelve years at Harvard University, Shawn Achor has become one of the world’s leading experts on the connection between happiness and success. His TED Talk is based on the fact that we believe that we should work to be happy, but could that be backward? In this fast-moving and entertaining talk from TEDxBloomington, psychologist Shawn Achor argues that actually, happiness inspires productivity. The TED talk has been viewed over 13 million times so maybe he is on to something! Check it out, leave a comment and let me know what you think!
Kyle MacDonald gave this TED talk in 2015, and it amazes me every time I watch it. I can think of a lot of things better than a paperclip to start trading, what about you? What do you think of this? Could it be replicated?
Dustin James is clever and funny and knows how to tell a story. This story is a reminder that we have to make time to sharpen the axe if we are going to be productive cutting down the trees. The video is less than 8 minutes long and you won't regret watching it. Let me know what you think!
I want to get this new year off to a great start and what better way than with a little inspiration.
I am so excited to share some of my favorite TED Talks with you this week. I think you're going to love them! No one needs to know, though, if you decide you don't love them, feel free to keep that to yourself.
For today, I am sharing my new bio for this blog. Let me know what you think in the comments below!
Any girl can be a princess. She just needs to find a country to lead. I am a lazy overachiever and a procrastinating perfectionist. My favorite word in the English language is facetious because it is the only one that has all five vowels in the right order. I don’t like unnecessary icons on my desktop. Adulting sucks sometimes, and nothing prepares you for how hard it is to be a parent. No one tells you that the moment your baby arrives, so does the worry and that you will never stop worrying about him. I like being the boss of myself and others too. I spent a short time ranked 44th on the WPBA (Women's Professional Billiard Association), so I guess that means I am a pool shark, or does that make me a momma shark? Do-do-do-do-do. I don't like long walks on the beach or anywhere for that matter. I am a go big or go home kind of girl, and 99% of the time, I am going home. But on the off chance I decide to go big, it will be with fierce passion. I have an equal number of opinions as I do ideas, and my will is strong. My do-it-yourself game is on point. I make things, like crafts. Random shuffle is a setting in my brain, not a line-dance. It provides the soundtrack to my life. Thank goodness my chair spins. Otherwise, I would be so bored, and you would too, seeing as you wouldn't have this blog to read. These are the types of things you can expect to get from me because filters are overrated, and I think I am funny.
Blog Challenge "100 posts in 100 days" Post #100
It's finally here! I made it! Hooray! I can't believe I actually completed this challenge. I feel a great sense of accomplishment and pride! I really can keep a New Year's Resolution!! Now I'm taking a much needed BREAK!! Thanks for reading, I won't hold it against you for not commenting! hahaha
Blog Challenge "100 posts in 100 days" Post #99
I try my best to choose to have good days and even when that becomes difficult I can usually still find the silver lining. Today was not one of those days. Today I failed, I was failed, and I'm feeling the effects of failure really bad.
I woke up late and ended up taking my first meeting from home, I didn't have time to get to the office before it started so I had to wait for a break in my schedule before I could drive into the office. The meeting stalled on agenda item #1 and we never got through the things that really needed attention but since we ran out of time it would have to wait until next time.
I chair our local market engagement team and we have a cookout planned for tomorrow, I borrowed my dads truck to pick up our Sam's Club order but when I got there the order wasn't ready so I had to take meeting #2 for the day from the parking lot.
I got a call from my brother just before they finished loading everything into the truck telling me to come pick him up, he had just gotten out of the hospital. At this point, you can probably piece together that my day was really going off the rails fast. I was stressed, anxious, frustrated and the rest of my family is all out of town.
With the truck full of hamburger meet, hotdogs, and all of the other items needed for a cookout, I arrive to pick my brother up. After calling him a handful of times and driving around looking for him I pull over and wait for him to call me back. I get him picked up and that's when shit hit the fan.
I could defend myself with all the ways in which my brother has let me down, left me stranded, guilt tripped me, and found any possible reason to blame me for outcomes to situations I have no connection to. All of those are true and I'm sure that they fueled the fire within me but today, I was wrong. I am ashamed of myself and the way that I acted and how I treated the only sibling I have left. I let anger and resentment, hurt and misunderstanding dictate my words and actions and I have been beating myself ever since and for good reason. I said some really awful things that I can't take back and for that I am truly sorry.
I have to figure out how to better navigate the choppy waters of a disconnected family. Since my sister and my mom passed, life has just gotten hard. I can't keep all the plates in the air anymore and the emotional toll it is taking shows, especially on days like today. I can't be everything to everyone nor do I want to, but I don't know how to change it so that things don't automatically default to me. I should have already addressed the things that have been simmering inside of me for so long now but I didn't. I was scared to confront my brother, I was afraid I would make things worse when really all I wanted was for it to be like it used to be but that's just it, things aren't like they used to be.
I'm working on making my peace with this really bad day that I let take over my mind and body and do my very best to not let it happen again but I'm only human, there are no guarantees.
Blog Challenge "100 posts in 100 days" Post #98
I can't take credit for any of these, but today I thought I would share some of my favorite and valuable pieces of advice!
- If this is the worst thing you'll ever have to go through then you've already made it through the hardest part, everything is going to be ok.
- Don't say things to or about yourself that you would not allow someone else to say to you.
- You have to live your life according to you, at the end of the day if you can look yourself in the mirror and honestly say you gave it your best, that's all you can do.
- What feels like the end of the world today probably won't even make the top ten list 5 years from now.
- Keep it simple stupid
- Learn to treat others the way they want to be treated, not the way you want to be treated.
- Be polite
- Form your own opinions, do the research on your own, don't rely on someone else's interpretation when it comes to politics.
- Don't say yes to something if you aren't prepared to do it with joy in your heart.
- Marry someone who will dance with you in the living room.
- Remember how adults made you feel when you were a kid and try to do better by your own kids.
- There are usually always more than one way to get things done.
- Keep a list of things that make you feel good in your wallet for a rainy day.
- Energy follows attention.
Blog Challenge "100 posts in 100 days" Post #97
We had a great time in Houston, got a chance to dress up!
Blog Challenge "100 posts in 100 days" Post #96
Ever wondered why others perceive you differently than you intended? Here are a few reasons!
- They automatically look for the negative
- They won't consider the context
- They will take meaning from one gesture
- They won't know your baseline
- They evaluate you through their biases
So how do we get our body language to match our words?
- Speak & gesture at the same time
- Use confident gestures (palm down)
- Sit tall
- Claim your space
Blog Challenge "100 posts in 100 days" Post #95
We would all love to think we have control over our lives but we can't possibly have absolute control over anything. What we do have though, is our influence. Just by being ourselves, saying what we say, doing what we do, we are influencing those personally and physically close to us. The choice we have is whether we choose to use our influence in a positive way or in a negative way.
You never know who's watching, or who's listening to us, our influence can spread like wildfire. Nothing can encourage us like someone else's good example. Want to create value in your life and for others? Become a good influence.
The more good influences we surround ourselves with, the happier we will be.
For more check out this article, The Power of Influence by Alex Lickerman M.D.