I know that the last couple of posts I have written seemed to follow a theme and while I'm changing it up for this post, I will get back to all of that shortly. But tonight something happened, and I can't help but share it.
See, this blog started as an outlet for me, and it continues to be a safe place for me to write, vent, express and sometimes just bitch about the things that maybe I don't have the balls actually to address in real life. But at least if I can write it down, I can get it out of my head and continue moving forward.
So.. Tonight was amazing, I went out with the girls to sing karaoke, and we had a great time! I probably drank a little too much, but hey, I wasn't driving! My Lyft driver was fantastic!! =) When I got home though I made some inferior decisions.
See, it has almost been a year since my mom went into the hospital and about this time last year I saved all of the old voicemails from my phone onto an external drive and when I got home and was checking my email I came across the reminders of the files I added a year ago. If you don't already know, let me just tell you that listening to the voice of someone who has passed away after you have alcohol in your system is a terrible idea. All it does it intensify your emotions and make it that much more hysterical.
I honestly don't know if I will ever be ready to hear those again. Maybe in another 20 years but for right now I can still hear my mom's voice in my head, I still know what she sounds like, and I don't need a reminder. I thought it would be good to hold on to all of those old voicemails just in case, but that was before I knew how she would forever be etched into my memories and how much it would hurt actually to hear her voice again instead of just imagining it.
I say all of this, but I also feel the need to mention that my mom was the most amazing person I have ever met. Anyone who knew her would agree because I show no bias by saying that, she was truly the most loving and accepting person and I know that everything she did in her short time here wasn't for nothing, it couldn't have been. I know that she has to be somewhere, doing great things. I have to believe that deep down she knows that she doesn't have to worry about me because she raised me right and she prepared me for all that has and is still to come and no matter what, I am going to be alright. I love you, and I miss you, mom!