Sitting next to someone in silence because neither of you know what words to say. A hand reaching out to hold yours because they know you need something to hold on to. A call or text just to say "hey, I'm thinking about you." Someone simply asking, "is there anything I can do for you?"
I just recently learned what this kind of love feels like and I have to say it feels really good. When you are grieving the loss of someone close to you it tries to mold you into someone you're not, its like you have to fight to stay you. Fight not to let the sad darkness take over.
I am blessed to have an amazing family, they have always shown unconditional love but I've never had a significant other that was capable of doing the same until now. I don't know what I would do without Andrew, I never knew I could feel so strongly for someone on so many levels. My heart is full of love and happiness even during these difficult times. I am thankful for the life I lead.
It has been quite a while since I've posted anything. I guess I didn't want to share anything because I have felt lost and as silly as it sounds I kept telling myself "just wait until you get it together a little better and then write something." but the thing is, when do we really have it all together? I mean life is all about change and evolving, trying to become the best version of yourself and if you wait for just the right moment then you'll be waiting forever and missing all the really amazing things that happen in front of you every single day.
The tragic loss of a good friend prompted me to get some of what I've been thinking and feeling written down and during that process I came up with a few things I am sure of...
1. I'm tired of wasting time, I want to know the intentions of those I spend the most time with.
2. Life is too short to live in limbo.
3. I have the most amazing family and friends a girl could ever ask for.
4. I love my job! The work I do, the people I work with, everything about it is wonderful.
5. My son is the coolest kid I know, he is brilliant and witty, kindhearted, thoughtful and caring and I don't know how I created someone so perfect, I definitely had a whole lot of help!
There are still so many things that I am not sure of but I do have faith that things will work out as they should and that everything happens for a reason. For now I'll leave you with my favorite Marilyn quote:
"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
- Marilyn Monroe
No doubt that life throws you a curve ball every now and then, for me recently it's been more like me locked in a batting cage with my feet cemented down in the batter's box and not wearing a helmet. When you make or are forced into a big change, big emotions come with it and I just now reached that point where the fog has lifted from my brain and I am thinking as reasonably and clearly as I am capable of.
When I was learning to play pool I would get so frustrated when I would really start to think I was improving but then I would start playing really bad, I didn't understand. Everyone would tell me that you have to play through it and when you come out of the slump you will play better than you did before you went in. Sure enough that was true, I guess sometimes your brain and your body need time to digest all the information being thrown at it and it takes some time to put what you've learned into action.
I think I am at the stage of putting what I've started to learn into action and while I am nervous about all the change I am even more excited to see the outcome!
This was a hard one for me, surprisingly there are many things that I am passionate about so coming up with an actual list is nearly impossible and I'm sure I've left some out but I gave it my best shot.
My first thought when I think about topics that are off limits are politics and religion, I'm sure this is probably the same for many others too. But why should any topic be off limits? We live in the greatest country in the world. We are free to have our own opinions and beliefs so why shouldn't we talk about them? We won't always agree but I can at least respect the fact that you have a brain and put it to use to form your own stance on a variety of topics or issues etc. So I'm taking a leap of faith that you will have the same respect for me and not hire a hitman once you've read what I have to say.
I'm not a huge fan of labels so rather than saying I am a christian or that I don't believe in god or that in politics I bleed blue or red I would prefer to just disclose some of the things that I believe in, support, or that I'm just outright curious about.
Here goes nothing..
- I believe in infinite possibility .
- I believe in supporting our president.
- I believe in both limited government and limited big business.
-I believe that my opinions, beliefs, and values should be based on reason, evidence, and compassion, not on fear, anger, and ignorance.
-I believe prisons should be for violent offenders, not drug addicts.
-I believe each person, regardless of race, gender, ethnicity, or sexual orientation, deserves equal respect and equal rights to pursue a meaningful life.
-I detest greed.
-I believe in a strong military.
-I believe in the separation of church and state.
-I believe in privacy.
-I believe everyone deserves a chance. And if necessary, a second chance.
-I believe that all Americans should have the opportunity to pursue an education regardless of the economic situation they were born into.
-I believe taxes should not be used to increase the gap between the very wealthy and the poor.
-I believe in tolerance.
Its been a while since I've been inspired to write, not that I'm having an ah ha moment or anything, I still don't really feel motivated to write but I thought why not at least try? I mean what is the worst that could happen? So here goes nothing!
I get Cosmo magazine every month because my sister knew how much I despised everything it stood for. Especially all the lame , repeated and overused "valuable advice" they publish, before she passed away she signed me up for like a five year subscription, that was her sense of humor at its finest! I guess I will probably have to renew it once it runs out now in her honor.
So the Feb issue came today and I skimmed through and it didn't take me long before I was annoyed. Here is a quote from page 39..
"Who needs a bae when you have the hottest bag to keep you company?"
Tell me you didn't have the same reaction I did? I am so irritated I decided to dedicate a whole blog post to it! So where to begin with my rant... What the hell is a "bae" -- I mean I know what it's used to describe but what is wrong with boyfriend, man, guy, significant other? Why must we use a word that even Siri tries to auto-correct? That part doesn't piss me off near as much as the fact that in classic "needy girl" ideology it is implied that as women we must be dependent upon something. Why do I need a "bae" or a "bag" to keep me company? Am I not good enough all by myself? In fact, I thoroughly enjoy my own company! Cosmo, you are welcome to keep your bag's and your bae's thank you very much!
"If money didn't matter, what would you do for work?"
I thought about this question for a while before actually getting to a real answer. Sure my first thought was to become a professional scuba diver because I love sea turtles but then I realized I hadn't completely thought that through being that I hate salt water and once I was stung by a jellyfish and that sucked bad enough that I'm not really even a fan of the ocean anymore due to that miserable experience, except on google earth of course. The reality is that no matter what you do there are going to be those not so perfect days and that means the truth is I would probably do exactly what I do right now, my dreams or goals and my hard work landed me where I am today, really the money just keeps the lights on and the fridge full but it can't fulfill that emptiness deep within, you have to pursue that yourself.
I'm sure you're wondering what it is that I do because I would only say something like that if money already didn't matter but that isn't the case. I have a single income home and a 10 year old and I work as a project manager for a telecommunications company but I "do" lots of things. I play pool and golf, I write, I volunteer, I care. I like to create things. Really the list goes on and on but my day job doesn't completely define what I do. I would keep doing what I'm doing because for one, I chose to do it in the first place. It challenges me and technology is always changing and evolving and it happens to be something that really interests me, so I would do it until I felt passionately enough about something else and then I would pursue that because what is the point of this amazingly crazy and wonderful life if we aren't going to live it the way we feel driven to lead it?
So I posted some of my recent status updates a while back and thought it was about time for round two.. These are the ones that made the cut.. Enjoy.
If you’re an astronaut, and you don’t end a relationship with “look, I just need space..” then your wasting everyone's time.
Cinderella is proof that losing a shoe can change your life.
I just broke my record for most days lived.
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data..
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-a longs.
It's because I failed another Cosmo quiz, isn't it?
We all have our bridges. We are either crossing them, burning them or jumping off of them.
Today is one of those "everyone looks like a pinata" days and I'm holding a stick.
I pray for you because I don't know how to do an exorcism.
It's a challenge fitting all my spy equipment in my purse.
I challenge you to fill an ice bucket with bottles of wine and give it to me and leave.
If you are on a roll, you're probably not headed uphill.
I'm just going to put an "out of order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
I was going to take over the world but then I saw something shiny.
If I survive the today I would like my straight jacket to be orange and a bejeweled helmet.
I automatically start swinging my feet like a little kid when sitting in a chair that is too tall for me.
I am learning what my superpowers are not, one mishap at a time.
Why fall in love when you can fall into a volcano?
Sometimes when I open or close the door I like to make star trek noises..
Can you believe that people actually dueled? LOL men...
I'll take medically induced coma for 2000, Alex.
How many exes can we fit into one room?
I was okay being an independent single woman until I was asked for my emergency contact info. & in a panic the only thing that came to mind was 867-5309, that didn't work though because I didn't take into account that when that song came out you only had to dial 7 numbers.
More people would use gambling hotlines if every 10th caller was a winner.. Just saying..
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
My biggest fear is waving back at someone who was waving at someone else.
Maybe serial killers are just normal people on a no carb diet.
Sometimes I feel like some of you don't even want me to be your future ex-wife.
If you want to hide something from me, put it on my voicemail.
If we are in a situation where I am the "voice of reason" we are in trouble.
Any war can be a cold war when one country sends a lengthy, thoughtful doctrine & the other country replies "k"
"Now watch me whip" No "Watch me nae nae" Absolutely not..
Sometimes I can't tell if Chandler is a lot like me or if I am a lot like a 9 year old.
Sometimes I just want to go where all the missing socks go.
Using my phone after I get the low battery warning is as close as I will ever come to disarming a bomb.
Once in a while, someone amazing comes along... And here I am..
I would feel a lot safer if the drive-thru ATM's with Braille were located on the passengers side.
In a previous life I was that bird that kept flying into windows..
My sister, Sherry Sarten was the president of the Thomas Martinez fan club and she would literally stand dead center in front of him during his shows and yell at him until he would sing 3am for her, He still does the song at every show and last night I captured a minute of it. It really means a lot to me to witness how he still honors her the way he does. Thomas, you will forever have a place in my heart, thank you.
This talk by J.J. Abrams traces his love for the unseen mystery –- a passion that’s evident in his films and TV shows, including Lost, Star Trek and the upcoming Star Wars VII — back to its magical beginnings.
I spent a good portion of today thinking about all of the things I am thankful for. That list included my family and friends, my freedom, womens rights, our military, my job, a roof over my head, all of my past experiences and the future ones to come. I am thankful for so much it would literally take me all night just to get started.
I have to say though that at this very moment, more than anything I feel a great sense of frustration because while I have more than a million reasons to focus solely on those things I am thankful for I find myself extremely frustrated over a few minor things that I am not thankful for.
I am angry about the time I invested in someone who couldn't or maybe wouldn't but regardless of the reason they didn't make or find the time to have simple conversations that would've changed everything. I gave my trust, my love, my loyalty, my patience and a significant amount of my time and for what? I lost a lot and my heart hurts because I got too close, I let my guard down and let myself believe that my family had grown significantly and I probably should have known better, maybe I did know better and just didn't care because I believed it was possible.
All that being said I don't blame anyone, in fact I get it and I genuinely believe that everyone deserves to be happy and for anyone I've ever loved, I hope they find what they are looking for because life has so much goodness to offer but its easy to overlook or play down its importance when all you can see is the bad or the negative or the sadness, madness or hurt that something has left in the front of your mind. I make mistakes everyday, I don't know everything and my way is not always the right or best way but I do know that tomorrow I will be a better version of myself and not only can I live with that, it makes me really freaking awesome.
I started this blog as a way to say the words that I've not always been brave enough to say face to face, a way to deal with things in a manner that shares my experiences or my ridiculousness or my humor with others so that they can laugh at me or with me, maybe even find simplicity in something they are dealing with because of something I wrote. I don't rant or vent too often but every now and then I think its healthy to get it off your chest, I know I feel better!
So back to being thankful.. I'm thankful for new friendships, new experiences and new relationships. Butterflies are a good thing, you can never have too many butterflies! Getting to know someone is a lot of work and not all of it is fun but I know that when I interact with someone I hope that they are giving me the benefit of the doubt, I pray that they are holding on to the smallest glimpse of hope that maybe I'm worth it, maybe the possibilities are endless. I know I do, I have a habit of seeing the good in people. Some call that being naive but that isn't it. I'm not inexperienced, believe me I've had just about every type of relationship you can think of! I see the good in people because I have to believe that there is good in all of us, if there isn't what is the alternative?
Off my soap box for now..
This was the very first TED Talk that I ever watched and I have probably made 50 people sit through it because it is that powerful. It talks about leadership and how we glorify it to the point that we take for granted the amount of impact we can have on others in our everyday life. Enjoy!
Don't know what a TED Talk is? Well then you're going to want to continue reading because they are a great source of information and entertainment and I enjoy watching them very much!
The About section on TED.com explains that "TED is a nonprofit devoted to spreading ideas, usually in the form of short, powerful talks (18 minutes or less). TED began in 1984 as a conference where Technology, Entertainment and Design converged, and today covers almost all topics — from science to business to global issues — in more than 100 languages. Meanwhile, independently run TEDx events help share ideas in communities around the world."
You can also find many TED Talks on YouTube and I encourage you to see what they are all about, I don't think you will be disappointed. Over the next couple of days I will be sharing some of my favorite talks (in no specific order), let me know what you think, or if you are familiar with TED and you have some favorites please share them with me in the comments section!